I have blogged in a very long time and I am not sure why.

I think a part of me has always felt like I needed to define this blog. Make it something specific, create for a specific reason and define it for a specific audience.

When in actual fact, I just  really like writing, sharing and being.

I guess that can also be said about the kind of person I am. I have always felt like I needed to be defined by something? or fit into a category or a box. When I danced, I was a dancer, when I studied I was a student, when I did a lot of yoga I felt like yes, yes this yoga thing defines me! Or any other life stage or activity for that matter.

But I have decided I don't want to be defined by an activity or stage in my life right now. I am a living breathing thing. Each day I learn more about my life, choose to explore new things, start new conversations and be open to possibility.

I changed my IG's back to my name because Natalie is who I am - but I am realising the parts of Saturday Girl that I miss and that is the beauty of sharing aspect of who I am becoming and my odd little journeys and realisations.

Blogging and sharing online have often made me wonder if I am more of a sharer or an observer and I think I have reached the stage in my life where I am both, but going forward, the content I post and the things that I speak about will be a mix of truly all that is me, my thoughts,  feelings, interests, likes and dislikes - undefined and most importantly with no judgement from myself. The amount of times I want to write and share and then I panic about how it will be perceived and interpreted really has to stop *note to self*

I have always wanted find something to make my own and be good at it. Now I want to find things that evoke interest, that show me new insight and develop me as a person. Maybe one of things will become more of my own, but for now I would like to think what defines me is exactly who I am and where I am in my life right at this very second.

A little summery of the last year of who I am becoming:

I am braver, a little more consistent, a little less self obsessed and little more conscious of things that run deeper than the surface. I am learning to appreciating my sensitivity and trying to stop shutting myself down for being THAT person. The past few month have become about slowly and I mean slowly, learning to love my flaws and imperfections and also celebrate the things that make me me! I guess it is about realising that its not my hobby or my job or my relationship that define me, to a certain extent its all the heart and soul, guts and glory, tears and laughter, kindness, care and maybe even those occasional eye rolls and fiery eyed debates, moments of insecurity and tears of a poorly cut fringe that sort of define me as a normal living, human with a lot to give and learning how to give it!

I have learnt recently that it is ok to let things happen organically - to not push so much. To actually allow myself to be present in the space I am in instead of constantly catapulting myself forward in the future or pulling myself back into the past. It's about doing things with more thought - becoming aware and calmer, not acting with knee jerk reactions and not beating myself up (well still working on that!).

I am still growing and learning and changing and shifting and maybe I am undefined by society and of course, by myself, but maybe I am just me and this blog is an extension of that - I have always felt that this blog was not "good enough" or had no definition - that my writing was lame and made no sense, when in actual fact the reason I started a blog was to just try something new.

So why Saturday Girl the name?

I named this blog Saturday Girl because it came into my life based on where I was in my life. I was studying and working part time (High School and Uni) and I worked mainly Saturday's at part-time jobs.

I always felt that working weekends and pretty much every weekend or every holiday, meant that I was missing out on so much, but in actual fact those Saturday's paid off in the long run, they taught me a lot about myself, my skill set and how I engage with people. What took place on some magical Saturdays and some not so magical Saturday's taught me a lot about a variety of different aspects about myself and others and yes, I missed out on some great clifton beach seasons and some cool parties and a number of other things, but it was those Saturday's that shaped a small part of me and led me to where I probably am today (which I am really happy about!!!).

The one thing in my life that has always been consistent is at some point in any job since my part-time days, I have had to work a Saturday and you know what that is ok. It also happens to be the day  I wake up the earliest and feel all the stillness around me, its the day when I feel me, be it at home, or on the beach, walking through the forest, at work, having tea with my mom, lying in bed reading with Neil, doing admin, what ever it is, Saturday (Girl) will always be a part of me and it doesn't need to be a day that I have always tried to rush through - it is now just exactly what it is, another day, another day to live and let live and maybe it doesn't ever really need to be defined but I will add it to my basket of Me-isms and treasure it a little more.

So where do I truly want to take this blog? 

I have no idea, but I will share more, I will write more, but this time it will be done truly undefined and truly because this journal is mine and one that I have chosen to share because life is too short and too beautiful and too undefined to hide words for no good reason.

xxx

Its taken several tries to write this post because I can see the positives and the negatives of 2015. I started writing this post more than a month ago and have written and deleted it about a million times.

Today it really smells like summer.

I have a nasty bruise and scratches on my leg from a tumble downstairs in heels, at work - totally stone cold sober!

There is the most intense smell of jasmine outside and its incredible and intoxicating and its everything that wakes my mind and soul. It is also causing me major sinus, but it feels so worth it!

I am craving summer, the beach, the sea, a pool, water, immersion, washing away everything.

I am not summer  body ready - but I am wondering if I care about that part or if I care more about climbing into the sea, soaking up the sun and feeling every bit of summer wrap itself in my soul. (ok, I am lying I do care about not being summer body ready).

Last night we sat on our Balcony - the tree in our complex garden is massive - it never seems to end and it has been around forever and ever and ever - literally. It has something mythical to it, something magical and protective about it. It is those moments that should be cherished forever.

Summer is my favourite time of the year - it makes everything and everyone seem so alive, so full of energy and so inspired.

I have a little old car - she gets me from A to B. She is not fancy and doesn't have tinted windows or aircon (although she is fancy to me) so I have noticed sun damage on the side of my face that is closest to the  drivers window - I bought myself sunscreen because I am becoming aware of sun damage and also that I need to look after my skin more (yes I should know better but when you drive you don't that!)

I haven't been taking my vitamins, I haven't been exercising as much as I would like to. I have been eating a lot of braai food and drinking Fiery Dragon Ginger Beer this past weekend.

I have tried to paint my nails and failed at it miserably about 4 times in the last few days. It is super calming painting your nails - just not when you mess them up.

I had to buy adult things. Like a power bank for my phone and a hard drive because I have developed a phobia of my computer crashing!

I am bleak I won't get to walk on the Whale Trail with everyone soon. I have been craving movement, camping, swimming and outdoors. I know that time is coming soon even though I am missing out - there are other epic things happening that may very well be meant to be.

I am determined to get to Bali. Its all I think about. I am determined to learn how to surf - when I get time.

I have realised I struggle to sometimes take initiative. I doubt myself easily and I forget mistakes are ok to make. I am capable I just need to believe it, roll with it, sparkle like summer :)

I have a new food snack addiction which is marmite on cream crackers - I mean, could that be more boring??

We need tonic water for the gin and tonic I want to make!

I miss all the lovely people I haven't seen in ages.

But summer is here, it is coming and it will be awesome :) How lucky to live in this time, breathing in fresh air, youth fighting change, magic in the air and possibility and hope in so many ways.

How amazing is summer and all that it brings?

So where to even begin this blog post. Probably where I discuss how dismal my blogging has been and it is now down to the odd post every few months and we are about to so wrap up ANOTHER year.

Did I achieve all and everything I set out to do this year? No. Did a learn and grow as a person so far this yes? Hell yes!

This year along with many others has been a whirlwind. Constantly change has pretty much been the only consistency and I am all about routine, finding balance and stability. Has that happened? Ummm not really hey :)

I always like to have a personal view point my posts - a way of opening up and putting my realisations out there. If anyone reads them then yay if anyone doesn't then chilled. It's really suppose to be this outlet space and for some reason I neglect it. I sit in my car in traffic and think of a million things that I want to write about, I jot down notes, I start small paragraphs and delete them and then it just never happens and suddenly I am thinking about it more than doing it.

It's Sunday morning - cool outside and I am all wrapped up in fresh white bedlinen and sipping on some tea. It's super peaceful, there is only the sound of rain. The boyf is away in Indonesia (jealous) getting barrelled and my mom is here to spend some time with me!

If I look back on this year and probably the amount of personal growth that I have achieved it's pretty epic. It came at all sorts of interesting realisations and decisions that push you in the direction you need to be. Someone said to me the other day "why does this always happen to you"? I am not sure, but it sure is never dull ;)

I started one job and six months later moved to another - I took a leap of faith and made a decision for myself, for my best interest, for me.

Oh hi 2015. Where did you come from??????

2014 taught me a lot, maybe a bit too much to share in one post, but what I did learn from 2014 is that I have some truly amazing, special and incredible people in my life who I have helped me grow and become a better person and also supported my journey and for that, I am beyond grateful! I challenged myself as a person and embraced a few things that I thought I could never do but actually can and I also began the journey of really understanding self belief. Not just surface level self belief, I am talking real, honest and raw self belief, in mind, body and spirit - this needs to be amplified in 2015. Big time.

I finished my studies in 2014 and did an incredible internship followed by an amazing holiday and christmas, and I have found myself in the last few week really reflecting on the last year and what I really want to achieve this year. 

Last year was pretty hectic, it was intense, there were some seriously good times and some seriously stressful times! There was a definite lack of balance in some areas - but that will change this year! HELL YEAH!!!!! 

Before the year ended I kicked off the fitness routine I have been longing to start. 2014 was a lot of stop start and lack of proper routine when it came to exercise which I found hugely frustrating. In the last few weeks I have done hot yoga, surf lessons, a hike, more yoga, ocean swims, gym, running and a forest walk. I know that once the year picks up it may not be as easy to maintain this much exercise, but I know for sure I WILL make a plan to fit it in no matter what - even if I have to do a plank on the kitchen floor while dinner is in the oven. Most importantly, it's going to be a whole lot of fun!

I have my first ever entry for the Old Mutual Two Oceans Half Marathon. OMW. To say I am nervous is an understatement. I actually come from a family of runners and I have always had this urge to run but since having an injury I have been fearful and held back a lot. I decided to enter so that I could simply not turn back. I have read a lot about training and running, I have spoken to people and worked out things about the sport that I didn't know or realise before. I am going to train hard, I am going to try my very best to do it. I hope that I will be able to achieve it and that the injury will not play up. (also, must get out of the habit of saying "I hope" or "if I do" need to change it to I will and I can). Another exciting challenge will be the Whale Trail in November so that means more mountain time which I am excited about! I don't want to hold back or be fearful anymore, I won't know unless I try and if it doesn't work I won't give up, I will try something that does. 

I started this year feeling a bit tender and emotional and I realised a lot of it comes from a place of worry. I realise that this year needs to have a fundamental shift in who I am as a person. I need to go from being a worrier to a warrior. Corny, but its 100 percent where I am at and where I need to be. I am by nature a perfectionist and of the mentally that "it is not good enough" well thats not going to get me anywhere, I mean hello! I have to let it go, do my best and give my all and what will be will be. I can't fight every single aspect of it. It's exhausting. Really! We are also always so quick to put ourselves down, or be too harsh on ourselves and it really is counterproductive. OWN IT!

I need to tap into my ability, my skills, my talent and my passion and start believing in myself. I realised how easy it is not too. 2014 I felt cautious, a bit nervous and scared (maybe a bit too defensive and guarded as well)  and for what? Its about taking risks, jumping in head first, doing, believing, living and having a total blast. I will be 27 years old this year and I realised how I actually need to let go, let live, breathe and go with the flow. My friend has this beautiful analogy about going with the flow; imagine you are floating or swimming down a river, you are on a journey and ready to embrace where the water takes you. If you try and swim back up stream and fight the currents and the water you are simply tiring yourself out and fighting against a natural flow and progression. That is the simple truth. 

If you want something in life you have to go out and make it happen. I am learning that what ever that may be, the person responsible for making change, fixing bad habits, changing mindset and positive thoughts is you or in this case me. No point in anguishing over things. Have to get up off my butt and get the ball rolling.  So here is an update on somethings I am working on and the small changes I am making in this journey of figuring things out and trying to find good balance and actually stick to a game plan and follow through without instead of getting side tracked! 

Exercise for real
There is no point in moaning and complaining about the lack of exercise or time to exercise lately (last six plus weeks) the only person who can make time to do these things is me, and nothing is more important than finding time to do something I enjoy and love. I am in week two of been back at gym and yoga properly. I feel more alive, awake and energised and most of all more determined to find time and establish a routine, it doesn't have to be in the gym or specifically in a yoga class. It can be that run I have been eager to do, that walk with a friend, an beautiful evening of yoga on my mat at home or a quick power work-out in my lounge with home weights. It can and will be done and exercise will never ever be neglected again! My go to for a quick full body work-out is this gem of a video - The Victoria Secret 10 minute Full Body Work-out. I have also set goals which I am hoping to achieve and keep me fully motivated. I have also found it helpful to follow people who blog and share honest stories of their fitness journeys and inspire me to work harder and not give up. Check out the lovely MariskaFit , beautiful Midlands Musing and the brilliant, funny and real Yoga Girl .

Food that inspires you
 I am making small changes where I can and in subtle ways - will never be able to give up, pizza, burgers and chocolate #notsorry but I am making changes and will slowly give this whole 80/20 thing a go. Found a great snack - Nairns Oat Cakes you can't stuff yourself on them because they are weirdly filling and tasty and they make a great snack with a bit of hummus.  It is always worthwhile investing in a well stocked fridge of food, less lightly to waste money and also fully motivated to get creative and try new things. I am no expert but I have figured out the only person responsible for what I eat and how it effects me, is actually me, once again, can't blame it on social occasions or been to busy. Also really into Clippers White Tea with Peppermint it has a whole lot of health benefits and is refreshing and delicious.

People who you simply don't need
I have never been a people pleasure, I understand tact and I understand that everyone is fundamentally different and we all think, feel and do things differently, our intentions are not always bad and nor are other peoples but that doesn't stop the fact that some people just simply do not gel…this is not cause for war or a national news announcement, it is simply life. If someone doesn't like you, that really is non of your business, and unless you are aware that you have offered the person personally, chances are the problem does not lie with you, in actual fact the problem is with an issue that they have with themselves. You cannot ever go around trying to please people or to make them happy, like you or get a long with you.  You are also not responsible for other peoples insecurities and issues that they have with you been you. People come into your life for a reason or season, learn from both, find forgiveness, compassion and understanding. People pleasing is exhausting - put that energy elsewhere. Why would I pour energy into people who have no real interest in my life or have no intention to really participate and be apart of it. Nope, done and I feel a million times better for it.

Switching off
I have realised how easy it is to get lost online, reading blogs, news, articles, etc. Its fine, but I have said it before there is a limit. I am currently making an effort to switch off before bed time or after I have done and assignment or studied for a test, so easy to get lost on mind numbing sites or scrolling through relatively meaningless instagram accounts. I am currently reading Not That Kind Of Girl - by Lena Dunham creator of series Girls. It is as bizarre and graphic as the series, not sure how I feel about it. I have also been playing a lot more music while I study or when I am home, something I stopped doing for a while but now cannot live without. 
Currently loving Lorde - Pure Heroine, Nina Simone - Greatest Hits, The National - Trouble Will Find Me, Of Monsters and Men - My Head is An Animal, The Rolling Stones - Flash Point (live).

Stop explaining yourself
I recently found myself explaining to someone why I had spent money on something. Um….why? Why do we do that, why do we feel we need to justify what we do with our time or money? I certainly don't give a toss what people earn, how they live and where they bought their handbag from and how much it cost. Yet a large amount of people do care. Maybe its just the way I was raised, but you don't justify or discuss finances or other peoples finances. I feel happy for people who have things that they want and desire and have the accessibility to achieve the goals they want or buy the new face mask they love. I simply do not care about peoples financial circumstance and nor should they care about mine. If I am not spending your money, your time or taking away your dreams then to be perfectly honest, I am don't want to hear nor be asked where and how I spend my money or time. Its a habit I think a lot of us suffer from - a cool comment from someone and suddenly your a hot mess trying to justify and explain why you were not home glued to your desk, where you got your shoes and if the dinner you had at a restaurant was not "too pricey". Stop, stop, stop. Its not anybody's  business and unless you are particularly interested in the cost of someones purchase so you can do the same, or how they spend their time so you can try it too, it is simply bad manners to ask inappropriate questions and further comment on the answer and its demeaning to yourself to feel you have to explain it. If people are making assumptions then there is nothing you can or should do to try and change it.

Spoil yourself
In keeping with that, I have been feeling a bit like a student bergie so I went for the most glorious pedicure at Sorbet which was super relaxing and really nice to just have some me time and do something nice for me (guilt free) and now I have pretty painted toes that I can  show off in summer sandals. I also bought some gorgeous LUSH products which I will blog about in my next post. I had been using drip and drabs of old scrubs and body lotion when I decided there is no time like the present to spoil myself a bit and feel fresh and confident and completely indulged. No regrets and I plan on doing some more self spoiling every couple of months, even if its something small and I make use of it and it makes me happy.

Dream big
I love to dream, I have always been a dreamer and always been able to visualise my dreams, which I like to think helps me keep motivated. I have moments of insecurity and fear, like anyone else, but I simply refuse to let anyone or anything rain on my parade - because the minute you have self doubt or don't think you can achieve something, your inner fighter backs down and doesn't karate chop that thought right of your head. If you want something and you see it, believe it and visualise it then go for it. Sure everyone has a thought and opinion about it and some are going to be hugely supportive and others won't, but its for you to decide how you will let that affect your goals and dreams. It might not happen over night, it might not happen in three months time, but you cannot stop dreaming and believing. Cheesy, but I have realised you have to push through and talk to yourself nicely.

So now I have put all my thoughts out there and shared some things about myself - again. If you have any thoughts or advice on any of the above I would love to hear it