by - 5:08:00 PM

Its taken several tries to write this post because I can see the positives and the negatives of 2015. I started writing this post more than a month ago and have written and deleted it about a million times.

It was by far the hardest and most gruelling year. I find myself back where I was exactly a year ago feeling like I achieved nothing and all my hard work has not paid off - and maybe it didn't, maybe it doesn't reflect in my bank balance or in my current situation, but what did pay off and what I did achieve was a massive humbling learning curve (and some gained strength).

It opened my eyes to truly see that without confidence and self worth, without belief in your ability and your skills, personality and over all who you are - you become stinted. to sum up the year I would use the following three words: Fear, lack of confidence and worry. 

To allow your mind and heart to be controlled by those three things is pretty hard to just skim over. 2015 felt like everything I had always believed I was and all that confidence I thought I really had, was really not manifested with the right intention and it was becoming hard to feel it and keep it going when inevitably I felt like crumbling. In truth, I was crumbling, the year took so many different turns and whirs that it literally made me feel like I was at no point fully present to experience special moments in my life. It was all heavily masked by fear, lack of confidence and worry - constantly. 

I spent most of 2015 trying to find and be who I was and stop being this person I wasn't. This new person had no gumption and was stuck in a fearful place of trying to do instead of actually DOING. I couldn't even read one book and get through it without feeling overwhelmed by some kind of fear or anxiety. I let work elements rule my life, I let others thoughts and opinions overwhelm me, I couldn't relax, I felt like I was constantly putting out fires no matter how desperately I just wanted a normal, stable existence. I literally took self doubt to another level and lost track of all the good I have within me and all that I have to be TRULY grateful for in my life.

2015 kicked my butt so hard - it put me in every possible worst case vulnerable position and forced me to approach it, deal with it and confront it. I didn't run a half marathon, I didn't get to do more yoga, I didn't do road trips, I didn't laugh and let go. I gained 6kgs, slept less than ever before, worked harder than I ever have before, saw my injury flare up even more and a long with that a world of emotional confrontation that I thought could not ever eclipse losing a parent and yet, somehow it did - or it combined the two together for an all double whammy of confronting everything I thought I was so brave and able to do. Sometimes even the strongest have to take a part is you at some point stand back up. 

When you do stand up and open your eyes and really see, you really notice what the hell is going on you REALLY want to and need to make the changes that your life needs and wants you to make.- like asap.

2015 I got to experience working for two different companies, it saw my friend get on a plane with my to scatter my dads ashes - without me asking her, and held my hand through two flights of major tears.  I graduated. I also met the most incredible strong, dedicated and caring people through two different jobs who impacted my life positively and helped me see my potential inside and out. I had the love and support of a caring and patient partner who deserves a gold statue in his name. It saw many tears, it saw many shaky legs and scared heart but 2015 shook me alive to the point where I truly hope I can make the change I need to in 2016 to be fearless and truly confident in myself. I keep thinking how this is really just one life and one chance to live it but now it's time to really practice it.

When you have the basics and the love of those in your life the rest is simply a bonus. 

The lessons for 2015 

Be gentle with yourself -being a sensitive person has its pro's and con's, it is how you manage it 

Don't give so much of yourself to people who can use it against you or hurt you- be aware of sharing too much

Stand up for yourself - say no, say no thank you, say it doesn't work for you or you disagree - SPEAK

Be patient with yourself 

Confront fear head on and do - just do. Don't wonder or ask questions 

Really just stop asking questions and waiting for guidance, help, advice, a sign from the moon, a special solar eclipse or a wish list of just empty words and text messages with mini stories written - jus stop asking questions and waiting

Fear is healthy to drive you forward but you are the only person who can take that first step

You can get everyone else's input and everyone else's advice but at the end of the day you can only trust yourself

Believe in the good - the real greater good of people, yourself, your circumstance, your imperfections

Be present - enjoy and be present - BE PRESENT because you won't get back that time  - get off your damn phone

Don't indulge in yourself too much - self pity is self pity and its not going to attract any positivity

Don't put yourself down - why? why do we do this?

Don't compare your life to another living soul

Take action - don't wait to be rescued, rescue yourself

Be bold and brave

Listen to your heart, your gut and your body - they are all right

Look up

Fail at something but at least know you tried 

Be fierce, be joyful, be loud and excited

Be focused and forge ahead

If you stumble pause to see what is around you but don't linger - get up

Breathe -but deep breathing to the bottom of your belly, breathing that makes you feel beyond grateful to be alive

Trust the process, the journey, yourself

Others opinions of your personality are not necessarily right - learn from them but don't absorb it

Give without expecting anything in return

Don't let any person ever manipulate you or hurt you - just don't 

Enjoy and believe in having the ability to problem solve or be alone in your thoughts

Don't let your mind jump ahead and don't be defensive 

Think of intention and what people's intention is

Really accept that some people come into your life for a reason or a season and it is not personal

Be vulnerable, be fearless and fearful with the right amount to make you want to tackle things with excitement and adventure, dream big, dream small, take no judgement, take no bullshit, take hugs and take kind complements and really believe them. 

Take a whole moment. I will always be a worrier, always have my weird quirks and chips in my armour, but at least I now know where I don't want to be and who I wont be.

Essentially - Just take some risks, have some laughs, make a damn good gin and tonic, do more yoga and remind the people in your life how freaking much you love them. 


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