So where to even begin this blog post. Probably where I discuss how dismal my blogging has been and it is now down to the odd post every few months and we are about to so wrap up ANOTHER year.
Did I achieve all and everything I set out to do this year? No. Did a learn and grow as a person so far this yes? Hell yes!
This year along with many others has been a whirlwind. Constantly change has pretty much been the only consistency and I am all about routine, finding balance and stability. Has that happened? Ummm not really hey :)
I always like to have a personal view point my posts - a way of opening up and putting my realisations out there. If anyone reads them then yay if anyone doesn't then chilled. It's really suppose to be this outlet space and for some reason I neglect it. I sit in my car in traffic and think of a million things that I want to write about, I jot down notes, I start small paragraphs and delete them and then it just never happens and suddenly I am thinking about it more than doing it.
It's Sunday morning - cool outside and I am all wrapped up in fresh white bedlinen and sipping on some tea. It's super peaceful, there is only the sound of rain. The boyf is away in Indonesia (jealous) getting barrelled and my mom is here to spend some time with me!
If I look back on this year and probably the amount of personal growth that I have achieved it's pretty epic. It came at all sorts of interesting realisations and decisions that push you in the direction you need to be. Someone said to me the other day "why does this always happen to you"? I am not sure, but it sure is never dull ;)
I started one job and six months later moved to another - I took a leap of faith and made a decision for myself, for my best interest, for me.
Here are some of my takings from this year so far.
Work doesn't define you as a person; someone once told me - and boy were they right. Everyone has lives including you outside of work. You can be passionate and dedicated to your job, but you cannot be perfect at it nor can you please everyone and there is no way it can take up more space in your brain then it needs to. Yes a healthy amount of stress is vital and feeling motived is essential. You go to work to do your job and do it to the best of your ability. Unless you are a heart surgeon and you are working in ICU saving lives, everyone will live - no one is going to actually lose their minds, everyone is doing their best and thats what counts.
Stay calm, stay levelheaded and cut the emotions out. I am a sensitive soul - not always a good thing but also not always a bad thing. There is a time and a place for everything.
Be yourself - not everyone is going to love you and be your bestie, just be you, be kind and be conscious.
Don't second guess or doubt yourself and your ability. How awesome is it to learn something new everyday and to be challenged? Soak it all up! I worry that what I am giving is not enough- so not worth it, wasting time! I need to dive right in!
Don't beat yourself up when you make a mistake. Learn from it, really and just let it go. As wise boyf says - just do your very best and don't doubt yourself or your ability! (easier said than done but so worth trying - while eating chocolate).
Exercise and Food
I feel like I could write a book about this. It is the push pull in my life. I miss dancing a lot - I dream about it still and think about at least 4 times a day. I now love and appreciate watching other people dance but I miss the ability to move like that!
I have always felt the struggle to keep a good exercise routine. I always feel super ambitious with exercise goals and then - it doesn't happen. I enjoy and love it but in all fairness there have been times
where there is literally NO TIME - currently working currently where my hours do change - and thats also ok because hey - I am young and the time is now right?! But in all fairness I haven't been looking after myself properly. I notice I eat well and exercise and then my times change or I get on the wrong foot and I am suddenly no longer keeping to my goals. It's either all out or nothing at all - time for change.
I wrote a long letter to myself and my relationship with exercise. I called it DO IT - its way too personal to post on the blog (maybe one day) buts it is an honest assessment of myself and also my future. The realisation that I am getting older , my body is changing, it needs love and care. My eating habits cannot be so erratic and rushed, my level of ability to give up so quickly needs to change and the opportunity to really try and make a difference can only come from me. No one else is responsible for food consumption and exercise except for me. If you want it that badly you will make a plan.
I always beat myself for not getting to the yoga class or not having the full amount of time to go to gym. The thing is, some core exercise, a plank and a weights are all accessible in my home so its really no excuse. And yes I have not worked on my summer body and right now my winter body is on point (pasta, potatoes and all things carbs) but I am starting to realise its not just about looking good (ok well 90 percent of it is) its also about maintaining a healthy lifestyle for long term and preventative of complications later in life. Sure, I am all about the enjoy food and indulge but instead of maybe eating 3 chocolates when stressed, maybe one will do for now!
I am trying to have a more holistic long term approach to both food and exercise that require creating something sustainable instead of a blame cycle. Something where I am nicer to myself and appreciative that I can see, smell, hear, move and function and not just rant on about not having a six pack.
I am in an inherent worrier - not warrior! Which I should be, but as I know for a fact I migrate to a safe zone; worry. About the past, the future, finances, time, today tomorrow 7 years from now. Its exhausting in every possible way. It tires me out. But this year, especially the last 3 months I have learnt to let go a lot. You can only control what is in your control! I have always tried to fix, mend, ensure safety, be on point, on time, on top form and sometimes you just can't have all your shit together, there are some things you have to roll with and see how they pan out because if you are so busy worry you are going to lose out and forget what is right infant of you.
I also learnt a valuable lesson when I got on a plane this year and went to scatter my fathers ashes. The lesson was: "you are loved and remember all the good because there is so much". My best friend got on a plane with me - she asked no questions, she asked for nothing in return. She booked a flight helped me organise the journey and she held my hand as I sobbed there and back, she offered comfort in the moments that I simple felt the most lost and she reminded me that what I have to remember is precious and special. Its been a tough two years and I miss my dad everyday. I feel a lot of guilt and feel like I could have given or done more, I don't think that ever goes away, but after scattering his ashes in a place he loved surrounded by people who loved him, it was a reminder of all things special and good. My friend and I call it a mini pilgrimage and thats really what it was, it was a physical journey with a powerful outcome and it has played a massive role in how I view things and deal with different situations.
Also, seriously not worth sweating the small stuff. Sometimes you have to let it go, really and truly not worth fretting over basic stuff that 90% of the time has a solution and will not cause the end of the world - really. No more what if's, maybes and "but I am worried" - more roll with the punches and see where it takes you!
It is always so easy to focus on people who you don't get on with, people who bring out strange things in you or who you just don't click with. They deserve no space in your mind and heart, the people who love you and really care about you will accept you for who you are - they will offer stern advice, wipe away your tears and stand by you through good and bad. Those people deserve all your time and energy when it comes to friends and loved ones. You can't please everyone and be liked by them. You can't have expectations and you feel like its always about you. It is not. Everyone has stuff going on. The people who love you will truly understand when time is limited to see or make plans and they will still be encouraging and caring.
Appreciating these special people is even more of an important role to play. If I sit down and think about it, my friends, boyfriend and mom really have a world of patience, love and care and they have real intentions that are insightful, intuitive and helpful. They have been absolutely incredible to me and I am so fortunate to have them in my life, why waste a moment not celebrating them!
Most of us have a lot to be grateful in life. A lot of it is marred by insecurity and materialism or just down right negativity. I have fallen victim to it as well. But the thing about been grateful is that it should always be there. Food you eat, the car you get to drive that takes you from A to B. The warm bed you sleep in, running water, clothes, love, care, safety, health, family, friends, jobs, partners, financial freedom etc - all of that is super special and a lot of people go without these basic things that are often taken for granted. We will love a good rant or moan, but it is as important to give thanks and reflect at what we do have!
The other day I had my account triple debuted by my medical provider forcing my account into all sorts of negatives and minuses and slap bang in the middle of the month. It had been a tough week and I stood in the kitchen clutching my phone and have a proper big girl sob. Boyf came over and reminded me that it can be fixed and I should let the organisation know first thing. Through my big girl ugly cry I realised the simplicity of it all and that it wasn't a life or death situation. Yes, it sucked and was a mission, but I currently have health care which is a lot more than most! (side note - my account was refunded).
I started a gratitude journal from when I am really just having a tough time or feel like I need some grounding. Its super helpful because it forces me to reflect and put things into perspective.
Yes there are always going to be hard times and average days and general life / adulthood drama, but it will pass (another drama will be waiting around the corner - jokes!).
Social media and technology
I notice this year I use social media as an escape - some amazing places and people to follow and it is awesome and inspiring but some times I could be doing plank exercise or finishing a book at night before bed as apposed to scrolling through instagram. Same goes for capturing moments - I should probably instagram more photos of the chocolate I eat not just the censored stuff like a the health things ;) It is so easy to get wrapped up in your phone or computer - there is so much to see, read, watch and so many insightful and purposeful things going on! But sometimes a break is needed - real engagement, laughter and enjoyment has to trumps good old social media scroll!
In saying that I use snapchat I find a lot of the people I follow to be honest, inspiring and engaging and it is awesome to come agree people like that :)
Now that the boyf is Indo I am on a major mission to go next year and explore with him! I have only travelled once in my life to Thailand. Dating someone who surfs and has made Indo a special place that they frequent has inspired. I am also inspired how hard boyf works and saves up so he can travel. He doesn't waste money on material things - he believes in experiences great or small but that is where all the best memories are made.
I have become more conscious of enjoying an experience - sometimes I am so wrapped up in thought (ok lies, worry) I forget where I am and what I am doing and how epic and beautiful that moment may be. It is also not all about me ;) easy to get wrapped up in a bit of a "self" pattern - lots out there and lots happening that sometimes requires you to shift attention.
Life is not a race - its a journey and every moment good or bad has something valuable and beautiful in it.
"The cure for anything is salt water - sweat, tears or the sea"