This is a bit of a personal post and about somethings I am struggling with at the moment. I guess its because I am finishing up at varsity, a place where I have felt comfortable and safe, and now suddenly the reality of getting a job and becoming apart of the big wide world is barrelling towards me. I have always regarded myself a confident person and been able to pep talk myself out of negative thoughts or thoughts that may linger on "superficial things". Actually I have always felt immense guilt about the way I perceive myself and if I do so on a 'surface level'. I always feel like I have so much to be grateful for for, which I do, I am strong and healthy, I have a good out look on my life and I feel like I am learning and growing myself, but lately I have hit some kind of wall.
I am torn between being comfortable and natural and actually making more of an effort. I am by nature relaxed and often don't wear make-up or dress up, but in all truth its actually nice to make an effort. I spent school rather awkward in looking and covered in layers to hide my already developed body, I spent 4 years at theatre/dance school dressed in dance gear and comfortable clothing. I worked in fashion and even did some styling but always never really wore what I wanted to, I liked dressing other people up and in turn I kind of hid myself. I have lovely beautiful clothes, make-up and accessories but I some how never end up wearing them.
I have actually managed to convince myself its acceptable to go to college as comfortable as possible. It may very well be ok, but Its not going to settle well in the professional world. While I hope I will always have my personality and intellect to carry me through life, I also need to start making an effort with how I want to project myself.
I love clothing and fashion, I have always shopped smartly and always been conservative in my choices. I live on a student budget and find great buys from Mr Price and Woolies, but lately I noticed how honestly and truly flat out boring I have become. I am 26 years old for goodness sake! Why am I not wearing the awesome earrings I have collected over the years or the bold necklaces hidden away in a draw, or the lovely heels I own?
Maybe I have convinced myself going to college in a sweat top and jeans is fine and studying all weekend in track pants is ok. Maybe I don't get out enough so I feel too comfortable and even more so because my lovely boyfriend says he loves me when I am totally natural. But even then, there is no excuse. Today was my wake up call.
I met a friend for coffee this morning. She is 21 years old but possibly the most sassy well put together, smart and driven young lady I know, she is without a doubt going places. She always has her hair clean and gleaming, her make-up is subtle and beautifully applied and she is always dressed to take over the world. I am always in awe. At college she looks like a total babe and even in the early hours of this morning she looked gorgeous, radiant and confident. I on the other hand, had dirty hair tied back, and wait for it…….. these skinny fit track pants from woolies, not a stitch of make up and about a million layers of clothing. Why? because in all honestly I have become lazy. I have become old and lazy. I actually know grannies who put in more effort than I do.
I love fashion and beauty blogs, I love new trends, styles and looks. I love dreaming of trying these out. But enough is enough, I need to make dreams a reality. I messaged Lizanne after coffee and told her how I feel lately and asked her to share her secret for looking so damn good all the time. Her reply was this;
"It helps me feel ready to take on the world. It gives me confidence and I find that I need to live the life I want to have even if I don't have it yet".
There is was, the truth I needed to hear. I am an expressive person and love life, but have I been hiding under sensible clothes, shoes, tired skin and average hair wearing study or gym gear? yes, yes I truly have.
If I want to get a job and do well and achieve my goals I actually need to get on it. I need to reflect the kind of person I am, inside and out. I have become lazy and used my need to study hard and focus this year as an excuse to actually neglect myself. Now I am not a feminist and I am not pro changing yourself within an inch of your life and wearing tons of make-up or letting your arm pit and leg hair grow out, but I am a fan of enhancing what you have. I follow a lot of mommies on social media, let me tell you these ladies hold down jobs, kids and still look 100% gorgeous and happy doing it. I see how people are presentable and alluring, you almost want to get to know the girl with the fab shoes and gorgeous lip colour because she is rocking that look with confidence and style.
I possibly need to stop with the self guilt, the slightly rebellious "take me as I am, bag lady and all" and actually start living my youth. Stop with the too casual look and actually make an effort. Even if I don't have anywhere social to go or have to spend the weekend glued to my desk, I can actually still make an effort and start experimenting with what I have. I have outfits I want to wear but always feel like I have nowhere to wear it to, but in truth, its actually about living the life you want to live and feeling good about it. I hide my bum or stomach in sometimes too baggy tops or end up living in a pair of high tops. It kind of needs to stop, I need to actually be an adult because I am one. Treat my hair well, treat my skin right, paint my nails more, and wear heels!!!!
Life is a little too short and I know for a fact the only person that can make me feel good about myself is me. Not anyone else. I should be able to enhance my assets, not hide them or overshadow them, but actually be who I want to be in my own way. When I go for internships or job interviews I want to be radiant, happy, expressive and excited, because I am, in the inside I really am, but maybe I could do with a little extra boost from what I put on the outside as well. I have a need to be more creative, expressive and congruent with who I am what i want in life and what I believe in. Its all sitting there waiting for me to express myself and do it. Now is the time to really take charge, in all areas of my life.
3 COMMENTS
You ALWAYS look gorgeous, sweat pants or not! xx
ReplyDeleteYou are always so lovely and kind to me!!! Come visit Cape Town so I give you a really big hug in person because you are literally the best!
DeleteDon't fret. College shouldn't be more of a stress than it has to be. Sure, the struggle towards affording enrollment may be arduous, but there are lots of ways that you can explore, which can help you. It's just a matter of finding them and having a cache of tactics along the way. All the best!
ReplyDeleteJohn McDonough @ The Studemont Group