by - 9:07:00 AM

We are already almost in the middle of March. WHAT? I really can't believe that another year is flying by.

I guess for me the year will only really begin after my dads one year mark which is in April. I seem to be in a bit of an unfocused pattern where I find I am unable to draw focus and knuckle down like I used to. Maybe my mind is more distracted, or even less distracted. 

They say the year mark is the biggest milestone to get past when you lose someone. I can believe it. Until now I think I have lived in this world of distraction and type-A traits where I throw myself into something full steam ahead and block out things. Don't we all? 

I also found the real reality of the situation is that the person is not coming back. Really not coming back. You hope that they will, a letter will appear, a call will be made and this whole thing was a silly mix up and we can all go back to life before death. I truly have believed it and still actually ask everyday if my dad can please come back.

I feel anxious this year, maybe even more fearful and less brave. I feel my senses are too heightened and my body is too sensitive. on and off flu-ish even when I eat right and exercise often. It all comes down to your state of mind. If your not getting it right emotionally it ultimately affects your whole being. So whats the answer to fix that or cure it? I am not sure. If you know, let me know. 

I should be spending more time with friends who love and respect me and want to engage in my life and the things I do. I should be far more focused at varsity because it is my final year. I should be more patient with people, myself, my actions and thoughts. I should embrace this turbulence because it is apart of a process that many go through, but I am not. I am not doing any of this. By nature I am a fighter, I always aim to stand strong, be in control, be on top of everything, be the best person I can be, be present and on the ball, happy, positive and energised. But in reality that can not always be. I am human but I somehow  forget this and take on too much in my mind.

Finding a flat is possibly more stressful and competitive than actually attending a casting for a big brand advert. People will literally elbow you through the door to get to the agent first. I am hoping it will all just happen, that the hours and time I am putting in will off. I am sure they will, again, just not very patient. But I am very excited about it. New start :)

Its funny because I do yoga, I enjoy it so much and I find it incredible healing for my mind and body, yet I don't get to do it enough and I really should. I should be putting time aside to focus on things that enrich my mind, body and soul, that awaken me and make me feel complete and calm. I did the most incredible Ashtanga yoga course in the weekend, I realised a lot of it is self improvement and self discipline that only you can actually develop and grow, not a teacher or someone telling you what to do and what not to do. It comes from you.

I am a month away from the year mark and I am freaked out. The unanswered questions, the shock, regret, fear and actual physical pain is always lingering. I don't know what I would do without the kind hug from friends at varsity, the support of my mom (who has strength like no other), the message from a friend and the encouragement I have received. Neil my light and my safe place. He is the person I admire and look up to, he works full time and studies part time in tax, he is so dedicated, focused and determined, he has a skill like no other to really put his mind to something and pull out all the stops and do it. In-between all that, he is the person that wipes away all my tears and rubs my back while I ugly cry for ages, the person that says the right things, that takes away the pain, holds mw super tight  and who makes me feel like tomorrow really will be a better day. I have never felt so loved and accepted by a person than I do with him, and I am so grateful for that. 

My mind is a little fuzzy at the moment and I am not totally on track as I would like to be. I have aspirations and goals that I keep them forefront in my mind always, but I guess sometimes we have to really embrace a "process" or time in our lives. Maybe if I do I can heal better, the sadness will improve and the horror of it all will fade and only the good memories and times of love and laughter which I am so grateful to have had with my dad for the last three years will be the shining beacon of hope. 

Because ultimately - this too shall pass

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