PERSONAL POST - MY DAD
I have thought long and hard about this post. Many times I have sat down to write it and end up far too emotional. I love my blog as I feel it is my own little outlet and place where I can get lost for a few hours. But as you will notice I have not blogged in awhile.
The same day I wrote my last blog post my world came crashing down. My mom arrived with the news no one can ever fathom hearing. My dad was in hospital and critical after an accident at home. No words can describe the feeling, the pain and the panic. I don't think I am ready to share the details of the ordeal although I have thought about doing so. That night my mom and I flew up to JHB. The next few days were spent at the hospital. This never ending waiting game.
The damage and injuries were overwhelming. Nothing can prepare you for seeing a loved one lying in hospital. I cried, I pleaded, I felt pain and frustration, regret and fear. How could this happen? I spent the next few days talking to my dad as much as I could. I don't know if he heard me but I like to believe he did. I told my dad how much I love him, how I appreciate all his support and all the times we have shared. I apologised for not messaging him the night before, for the times that I may have given him a hard time. I reflected on the life I had with him before my parents divorce, the years lost after that and then the last two and half, three years that we did have, and how truly grateful I was and still am to have had that time, those moments, the conversations, the visits, the daily motivations, the picture and weather sharing. The laughs, the walks on the beach, the everything.
Nothing in this world can prepare you for the moment you know that your parent is not going to make it. I truly believed he would and to think back to those moments where I said goodbye and had to leave were truly so overwhelming and hard. I still have not come to terms with it. I spent three weeks in JHB having to be very grown up and deal with a multitude of things that I had no clue where to start or end. I still cry everyday and more so at night. I still feel like he is on holiday and might come back one day. I have dreams that seem so real that I wake up and feel the shock and pain that they were not. I still have regrets and I still think "what if"?
I have always feared death and feared losing my parents (I am an only child). Having to deal with the huge loss has opened my eyes. Not totally to the point where I have had a revelation, I hope that will come one day. I spoke at my dads funeral and said the things that he always told me. One of which is the Serenity prayer:
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to accept the things I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference.
I try and live my life like this and I try and remember what he told me. A few days before we had a really good conversation and I wish I could recall it. But I do feel lucky enough to have many others to remember and recall. I fear losing my memories or forgetting things. But I know they are firmly imprinted on my heart and nothing and no one can take that away from me.
I do believe now more than ever that life is truly short, so we do need to live everyday with love and kindness, appreciation and gratitude towards ourselves and our loved ones.
I have been blessed with support from my incredible mother, boyfriend and friends, who have proved to me countless times that they care deeply and can handle me in this bizarre state. The scary part is, you think life will not go on.....but it does. You have no choice but to carry on. A part of me wants to curl up into a little ball for weeks and let the pain pass, but the reality is I can't. I had to go back to varsity, and yes to most I appear 'normal' and people say I seem to be coping. Coping I don't believe is a choice, it's your instinct, your body kicking into fight mode. And behind closed doors I do crumble, I do cry. Sometimes I do try and hold it in and other times I can't (like crying in yoga class). I am trying to process this journey and deal with it as best I can. I have been let down along the way by people who I thought would be there and show love and compassion. But I cannot hold onto that. The good people outweigh the bad and each to their own.
My dad loved my blog and he like to keep up to date. We spoke everyday and he loved to hear what was news and happening in my life. On Saturday it will mark two months. On Friday I have an exam and in the mean time I am all over the place emotionally. I feel guilty for carrying on with somethings, and moments where I laugh, or take a pic on instagram or attend a birthday. There is no wrong, I guess we all deal with things differently and I hope in time that will change. I want to blog again because it is my own little private world that I can go and create visually.
I know that in time (a long long time) it will get better. I just want to make my dad proud. I wish he was here to hear my news, to see pictures and to be here for the day I graduate, get married, have children, achieve in my job and every other moment I wish he could be here for. I know he is with me in my heart and in spirit and I know that somewhere in a beautiful place, in a soft warm light on a fluffy cloud surrounded by those who his departed loved ones, he is watching over me and hopefully still reading my blog.
I know that in time (a long long time) it will get better. I just want to make my dad proud. I wish he was here to hear my news, to see pictures and to be here for the day I graduate, get married, have children, achieve in my job and every other moment I wish he could be here for. I know he is with me in my heart and in spirit and I know that somewhere in a beautiful place, in a soft warm light on a fluffy cloud surrounded by those who his departed loved ones, he is watching over me and hopefully still reading my blog.
I will do my best always to make you proud dad.
Love your parents, they have done so much for you, they gave you life! Tell them as often as you can how much you appreciate them and remind them that they are special to you.
The one thing my dad always said and I believe so deeply now more than ever, when I was upset or feeling stressed out about something he would say.
"Gently Tigga, go gently."
Love you always and thank you for the time that I did have with you dad.
Thank you dear friends and wonderful people in my life and my mom and Neil for all you love, kindness, patience and care. I treasure you all. Out of the darkness will come light.
xxx
2 COMMENTS
Well done, Natalie - such strength in putting this into words. Big hugs xxx
ReplyDeleteHaving discovered your blog tonight, I've been catching up on your posts...
ReplyDeleteOmg, I am so sorry.
What happened?
My biggest fear is losing my parents. I've had a good cry on your behalf and I am sending you strength for every moment you might need it.
Xx